Matt Brundage

I’ve told Annie that I love her more with each passing day. While on the surface, that may sound mushy and trite, but there’s actually some truth behind the statement. But the question remains: is this increase in love quantifiable? Would a graphical representation be adequate in estimating the inestimable?

The formula I use is simple: L+((1-L)/D) where L = love and D = divisor. Rules: The initial value for love must be a number between 0 and 1. The divisor must be a number greater than 1. The greater the divisor, the slower the rate of increase in love. For this exercise, the number is totally arbitrary. Actually the number I chose for love is totally arbitrary, too.

The formula calculates the estimated increase in love for each year — not unlike the increasing amount of principal that many of us see on our monthly mortgage statements. One crucial difference is that my calculations are, fortunately, not at all dependent upon the workings of the Open Market Committee of the Federal Reserve. At the current rate of increase, I’m projected to peak sometime in the year 2056.

Stepping off the plane today at Princess Juliana International Airport in Sint Maarten, I told Annie “Honey, you’re as beautiful as the day I married you.”

I was going through the Pearls Before Swine archives at comics.com and noticed this doozy from May 8. Apparently it’s a followup to the famed 14 Nov 2005 strip, in which Pig “makes nice” with Annie-May.

entire strip

Is there something about the sight of Lindsay Lohan with one closed eye that movie execs find particularly attractive? Apparently so, for three of her past four feature films contain pervasive promotional material that features her winking gratuitously to the camera, breaking the fourth wall in the process. Consider these images from Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and her newest film, Just My Luck.

As far as I can tell, Fox has even factored Lohan’s winking into the plot of Just My Luck, as the tagline “Everything changed in the wink of an eye.” appears on the official movie poster. I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it gets better.

File this one in the that’s gotta be intentional department: check out the new HD trailer for the upcoming Mel Gibson film Apocalypto. At approximately 1:46 into the clip, this frame appears for a fraction of a second. Going over the sequence a second and third time, I could barely make out the image when viewed in real time: Mel in a wife-beater and unbuttoned plaid workshirt, a Camel hanging from his smiling mouth, full beard and head of hair. Totally insane.

Apparently, I’m a bit late on this scoop, but better late than never.

Everybody’s more upset with this cartoon than they are about the suicide/homicide bombers that [Muslim extremists] make of their little kids.
—Rush Limbaugh

See also: The Cowardly American Media

Lennon starts off the song with “If I fell in love with you…” Fell in this context is incorrect. He had two choices — he could have used the subjunctive mood: “If I were to fall in love…” or the implied future tense: “If I fall in love…” He chose the simple past tense — when coupled with “If”, it seems as if John is uncertain about whether or not he fell. Not the intended meaning, I’m sure.

The implied future tense of “If I fall in love…” make the most sense, both grammatically and rhythmically. Furthermore, it parallels the second and third verses, which start with the implied future tenses of “If I give my heart…” and “If I trust in you…”, respectively.

Many inconsistencies abound in the last verse:

So I hope you see that I
would love to love you
And that she will cry
when she learns we are two
If I fell in love with you

He uses the explicit future tense “will cry” with the past tense “If I fell”. Shouldn’t it be “..she will cry… if I fall in love”? The listener knows that John has already fallen in love with this new girl. But he has to temper his emotions and not reveal his new love to said girl. “If I fall in love…” would have made a good improvement, but “When I fall in love…” would have been the kicker, as would “When I give my heart to you…”, and “When I trust in you…” This makes sense because John predicts that “she will cry when she learns we are two.” Notice he said “when” and not “if”. Choose either the hypothetical “if” or the inevitable “when” and use it consistently throughout the song.

There ought to be a law against comic strips this funny.

I know this article is a bit old, but for some reason it’s remained in my mind as the epitome of The Onion’s peculiar brand of humor. An excerpt:

As a patriot and true American, my heart sings at the thought of the Pentagon, and the zealous, calculating measures undertaken by the proud military bureaucracy of this great superpower. I feel a surge of pride when I think about our high-tech GBU laser-guided bombs, capable of carrying a 2,000-pound warhead. I tied a ribbon around my tree for the safe return of our nation’s F-16s, because our military aircraft are instrumental to finishing our work in Iraq.

Source: I Support The Occupation Of Iraq, But I Don’t Support Our Troops

Father, father, there’s no need to escalate…

For some reason, I think of my dad, standing at the bottom of an escalator, asking my sister if he needs to go upstairs. Then she tells him that “there’s no need to escalate” and he understands.

…for only love can conquer hate.

Actually, the total annihilation of the human race could also conquer hate. But hate is not something in and of itself that should be conquered, though. For instance, I hate ignorance. I don’t think that some formless “Love” can swoop down and conquer the hate I have for ignorance. It’s ironic that most people are ignorant of my hate for ignorance. (This too I hate.)

Don’t punish me with brutality

So there’s some mob guy named Tony Butali from the Bronx. As a front for his organized crime, he owns a tea-bag “company” which he has named Butali Tea. When Tony needs to put the pressure on a rival, he ties the rival’s hands and feet to a chair and starts slapping him in the face with tea bags. Hence, don’t punish me with Butali Tea.